Underworld sources have leaked to our reporters that Armageddon may in fact have been cancelled. According to Satan's minions, there is an unfortunate lack of interest in "immediate gratification" forms of evil topside, and not enough systems are crashing from the Millenium Bug. More to follow as this situation develops. Update: A 200 foot high power transmission tower near Bend, OR was brought down by an act of sabotage this past evening. The line, known as the Pacific Northwest-Pacific Southwest Direct Current Intertie, has been rerouted and the FBI is investigating.

( Click on image to view )

The Weekly World News is reporting the face of Satan instantiating himself over the U.S. Capitol building in Washington, D.C., this week. We should note that this is not the first time WWN has reported immanentization of the apocalypse, as witnessed by this surprising collage.

In a bold attempt to divide The Beatles equally between the dead and undead, Beatle George Harrison was repeatedly stabbed in the chest today, requiring hospitalization. Harrison, 56, is widely regarded as the least talented Beatle, though many indicate Ringo Starr may be more deserving of this honor. The incident required a "lung drain" and several days of hospitalization.

( Click on above image to enlarge )

Surgical procedure to rejuvenate hand before reattachment. A detached finger or appendage may be supplied blood through other blood vessels until it is well enough for attachment in its normal location. It surprises us that this man has yet to land a deodorant endorsement contract.

In the city of Mashhad, Iran, 508 people have signed up to sell one of their kidneys to provide funds for the assassination of Salmon Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses. Iran had lifted the official fatwa decree on Rushdie, but there still remains a privately offered $2.8M reward for his head, plus these 508 kidneys. What we'd like to see: To have those 508 people offer both kidneys, upping the reward to 1016.

(Originally reported by Kayhan Daily, and Reuters)

Mike from Holland sent us these pictures he took of this cavernous ass. It's not really clear whose cavernous ass it is, so we'll leave it at that.

After widely published warnings of terrorist packages from Frankfurt Germany were broadcast, state police in Massachusetts detonated an extremly dangerous box of chocolates found at Cape Cod, Associated Press said. Under xray the assemblage appeared to be a bomb, but after detonation it was found to be a music box and sweets. No injuries but the chocolate was found to be a total loss.

( Click on above images to enlarge )

An alert correspondent sent us these two alarming images, but was unable to provide any further information concerning the situation. If you did not receive gifts this year, perhaps this is the reason.

From: Phildorex@aol.com
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 1999 12:56:39 EST
Subject: Allen Lee Davis execution

I enjoyed reading your page, which was recommended by a friend. I wanted to correct some misinformation you had on your Allen Lee Davis electrocution page. It is true that Florida continues to use the electric chair, but the one that zapped Davis this year was a new chair. "Old Sparky", the chair that had executed all criminals in Florida since the 1920's, including Ted Bundy and Pedro Medina, was retired last year. Davis was the first guest to get to sit in the new chair, "New Sparky", if you will.

Incidentally, your argument that opponents of the death penalty help electrocutions continue is not entirely off-base. Electrocutions are only performed in 4 of the 37 states which administer the death penalty. The fact that electrocutions are so controversal actually slows up executions in those states. Florida has nearly 500 inmates scheduled for execution, but only zaps two or three criminals a year. Texas, on the other hand, also has approximately 500 inmates on death row and averages about 30 a year using lethal injection. In fact, not only has Texas executed more criminals since the reinstatement of the death penalty in 1977, but Harris County, Texas alone has had more criminals executed than any other state all by itself.

Philip May
Former Prosecutor, Harris County District Attorney's Office

Evil clown Christopher Bayer of Massapequa, New York was arrested today for third degree sodomy (!) involving a sixteen year old boy. The boy's father videotaped the incident, after being suspicious of the clown's extra special friendship with his son. The 27 year old clown, employed at Clyde Beatty-Cole Bros. Circus under the name Smiley The Clown, has been released from clown duties. It is unclear what the future of our beloved Smiley will be, whose interests range from balloon animals to pederasty.

(Originally reported by APBnews)

Normally, when an underage individual is charged with a sex crime, photos of the suspect are not shown by the media. However, in this particular instance, it was deemed necessary. We must agree. This 17 year old student from Phoenix's Moon Valley High School, Jessica Jeffries, was charged by a grand jury with eight counts of misconduct with a minor, molestation, and indecency. Two twelve year old boys were the targets of her alleged love wiles, and apparently these ungodly acts were apparently performed in front of a 7 year old girl. Our only comment is, "Lordy, lordy, lordy."

(Originally reported by The Arizona Republic)

A disco ball fell on Boy George during rehearsal at Bournemouth International Center in Dorset, UK, today. The ball, weighing 62 pounds, bruised the extremely homosexual singer and nearly killed him. While the performer will recover, the disco ball was a complete loss. Said Boy after the incident, "It would have been both ironic and glamorous to be finished off by a four-foot glitter ball." [Editor's note: We eagerly await an encore.]

(Originally reported by BBC News, and other sources)

We've just learned that sites on LinkExchange that merely link to rotten.com have their accounts suspended! It should be noted for the record that LinkExchange is owned by Microsoft, and also that we refuse to run their shitty-ass software on any of our servers. Of course, we mean "shitty-ass" in the nicest way. --staff

From: john cline <john_cline@hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999 14:03:25 GMT
Reply-To: drive@ripco.com
To: bannernetwork@linkexchange.com
Subject: RE: CST4867550ID - LinkExchange: Banner Network

that's not going to happen....i have removed all of the links to linkexchange, you may CANCEL the account....io have had this link on that page for over a year and you just NOW want to censor some content...not going to happen on ANY of my pages.
thank you for your business.
john cline

From: <bannernetwork@linkexchange.com>
To: <drive@ripco.com>
Subject: RE: CST4867550ID - LinkExchange: Banner Network
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 21:33:07 "GMT"

Hi there,

We checked out your site, and it looks like you have a link that's not acceptable for the LinkExchange network. If you remove the link to rotten.com, you should be all set. Let us know when you've removed it, and we'll verify your account again. Thanks.

Please let me know if you have any more questions or concerns.

Sincerely,

Roxanne

A division of DBK, a German heating company, has been using the image of Adolf Hitler to advertise its products in Taiwan. Above the nazi leader is the text, "Declare war on the cold front!" While not causing undue concern on the mildly fascist island of Taiwan, the parent company has been sent into a tizzy. But a local company official stated to an AP reporter, "We decided to use Hitler because as soon as you see him, you think of Germany. It leaves a deep impression". The Fuhrer could not be reached for comment.

(Originally reported by AP newswire, and other sources)